Embracing the Feminine Within
I didn’t think I had an ounce of feminine in my body, and honestly fought it for so long.
I also believe this is why I was blessed with two girls instead of a boy and a girl.
Let me explain…
For a really long time, I struggled to relate to the things I would see feminist’s doing on tv. I thought the marches and the sign wearing (I can’t remember the name right now) or protests were a waste of time, and energy.
And honestly, I didn’t and still don’t think its a good expression or way to handle the situation. I’d rather do something about it, in a way that makes a difference.
But I didn’t think I needed to have a community or a support system either…. so it could be that too 🤷🏼♀️
Embracing the Feminine Within
I have always been the first to let the tears flow and also the first person to shy and hide when it was time to share emotions or show someone the real me. (My now husband so lovelingly reminded me MANY more times than I can count when we were dating to let him in and trust him.)
I envied those women who had a group of girlfriends to go out with or have lunch dates that I would see while I was sitting all alone pretending to work on my phone. Secretly envious of their laughs, their smiles, and their relationships. I longed for that, and also didn’t long for the ‘drama’ that comes along with girls. (Clearly my mind assumes that everyone, no matter their age, is a petty high school girl.)
Even though I longed to have meaningful relationships with women, I was blocking them everywhere I turned. And my inner girl couldn’t have fought me harder. I would be placed in situations where a very feminine and in touch with herself woman would come into my life. And I would avoid her like the plague. I would make up some excuse as to why I didn’t like her.
But, I would be very drawn to the gay men, and almost a bit jealous of them too.
They had the masculine already and found a way to get in touch on a way I had NO idea that was possible with their femininity. To this day, I have more gay friends than girlfriends. Which I’m still working to receive balance on.
And the Universe works in funny ways… when I was at my lowest moment and needing something to save me, something to get me back in touch with who I am, and ultimately, my feminine, she sent me a daughter.
And what did I do with this blessing?
I was still reckless with my actions. I only found out I was pregnant because I blacked out while playing on a slip and slide with the kids at the day camp I was a counselor at for a summer. Because I blacked out and got a concussion because I didn’t eat enough to keep my blood sugar up..
I decided that because my ‘plan’ wasn’t complete (college graduate, married, own a home, all before the age of 22). And I didn’t feel worthy of having this baby. So, I hid it until I couldn’t any more. I was ashamed with my actions. That the dad wasn’t perfect, that I didn’t feel prepared to be a good mom, that I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to provide for her.
I think I was most terrified because we don’t want to be the same kind of parent we received as a child.
I’ve since realized and learned that our parents felt the same way. And they did the best they could with the knowledge that they had.
And, I wouldn’t change my childhood, it made me the person I am today.
So, I went to many doctors appointment alone. I named her on my own. I was ill. A lot, on my own. I was miserable on my own. Until the last few months, when I told people I was having a baby, and how soon, they were able to support and help me. I have only 1 photo of me with a pregnant belly, and it’s not even fully my belly as I’m trying to hide it as much as possible. Not that I would have allowed it anyways — my self worth at the time was at an all time low and a photo documenting anything would have been out of the question.
The day Leila was born, my whole life changed. She saved me from being lost. She was a perfect baby, so so beautiful. The person I chose to be her father, not her biological father, was a huge support to us. To this day, he is daddy.
Leila pushed me to do things I’d never done before. And gave me reason to want to be a woman, and to connect with other women.
She gave me a will to want to be better, to do better. She helped me find me as a person, and as a woman. And she gave me love when I didn’t know what that felt like. She allowed me to love when I hadn’t ever felt that in my life.
She reminded me to love myself and that it’s ok to be a mom, and to be me, whatever that was at the time.
Leila also allowed me the space to realize I didn’t want to go on through life as a follower or a person who listens to others and follows orders.
She got me out of my shell and reminded my creative, feminine, emotional self to rise to the occasion.
She went to work with me and helped me to learn valuable skills in a position that was all very new to my family. In a space that was recently booming and gaining force when the crash from 2008 was finally hitting the ground running in 2011. We spent more time together and she was a friend that understood and allowed me to be vulnerable. Without this, I don’t know if we would have made it so far. In both work and as people. Looking back, 2011 – 2013 was a period I don’t remember a lot of, other than helping things grow – people, business, and myself.
As I was finding myself, I knew there was more out there for us. So I took a chance and left everything I’d ever known behind. I moved across the country to interview for a company that was a bit larger in size than the previous one. I met my now husband and was thrown into his business, where I played many roles, as small business owners often do, but allowed me to be around many different types of people. People who were all on my path for a reason. People who each taught me something or another. I found myself shutting down the feminine in me.
And wouldn’t you know it, the Universe has a funny way of reminding us not to shrink, instead to shine.
Along came Leila’s sister, Finlee.
Leila is an Aries, and Finlee’s a Taurus. If you know anything about Astrology, these two are very strong willed.
Finlee is beautiful. And very much in balance of the masculine and feminine energies.
She’s not afraid to tell you NO when she isn’t in alignment with something or someone, she will voice her opinion or let you know she needs you at any time. And she loves to dance, color, sing, and be anything and everything all at once.
She’s my reminder that there is a possibility of balance and that it isn’t a bad thing.
Society is so strict and judgmental when they feel you aren’t doing things the way they think you should. And for a long time, I let that rule me.
Not now.
I owe it to myself, first and foremost, my girls, my husband, and my sisters to find that balance. To find that place where we can be feminine and masculine and have what we want in this life.
I and WE owe it to the future women who will come to this planet to own our Feminity and know that what society says that looks like, isn’t the only way for it to look.
It can be messy.
It doesn’t have to make sense.
And it can take time.
It can have YOU infused into it.
Only YOU get to decide what that looks like for you.
Are you with me?
xoxo,
AJ
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