Body Image Issue

by ajohnson | Jun 14, 2019 | Blog, Life, Motherhood, Opinion

My entire life, I’ve always wanted to be straight and flat on every inch of my body.

Straight and flat hair that would be straight to my head and not poofy. Straight legs and chest so I could wear the things I would see on tv and on the mannequins at the store. Flat stomach and muscles because that’s what seemed to get the dates and boys to look at them more.

Except I was made for Texas. Big hair that’s a lot and thick – that NEVER lays flat straight to my face or head. My body shape has curves in all the right places. So I’m learning and never before have really loved.

For most of my entire 32 years, I could have fit in better as a Kardashian sister and their bodies than I do with my own family – except I haven’t ever had a knife touch my body outside of 2 C-Sections which is about to change.

Body Image Issue

I thought that my curves, broad shoulders, booty and thick thighs were a shame and something to hide. And I dressed that way. I would wear flowy and billowy clothes because I thought that was making my body look better. I didn’t understand that an hourglass shape is something to be desired. Ok, maybe in my early 20s before kids and when I was in great shape. I did understand this, but I was definitely doing it for the wrong reasons. Dresses too short and way too see thru to wear outside of the house let alone to a club or to dinner.

But becoming a Mom does a lot to your body that many don’t understand, especially guys. And really other women that seem to bounce back right after baby. And never look like they were pregnant in the first place…

..yeah, they don’t get it either.

So for the rest of us who do get changed during pregnancy and the time after, I didn’t feel like the same person. Post C-Section and lack of sleep are quite the combo that makes you not even really appreciate all the things your body does for you, let alone feel sexy in it. ….. well for me anyways. I didn’t and sometimes don’t understand what my husband sees when he looks at me with all the love and affection he does. There are days still. Almost 4 years post baby that I don’t like the image I see in the mirror.

I still look at my body longing for the pre baby, super fit, small waist, perky breasts that are undamaged. A scarless lower stomach and give it grief for the way it stares back at me in the mirror. Asking why there’s extra cellulite, less muscle tone. Why it doesn’t look good in short dresses like it did ‘back in the day’. For some women, this can lead to disordered eating, the obsessive need for weight loss, and a negative body image. Throw in social media, and these are all prime risk factors to developing an eating disorder. 

Another factor we maybe don’t talk about enough is the fact that the way us moms behave and act can start affecting our little girls at a young age. If us moms are strict on the way we treat our bodies and unkind, our little girls can grow up doing the same thing.

But the reality is, my body is pretty great. I have a great shape that looks good in bodycon and athleisure.

It has curves and muscle and can make my husband stop what he’s doing in a second and be completely lost in my presence.

And this year, yep, just this year, I realized that the clothes I was putting on my body aren’t allowing me to put my best body forward. The billowy, drapey clothing were just making my body look like a blob. The shoes I was wearing were making me look clunky. And like my muscular legs didn’t have any definition or length at all. This part wasn’t about body dissatisfaction but more about comfort. I might have had a positive body image, but I really wanted to be comfortable, and the billowy clothing was more comfortable for me. 

For 7 years, I’ve been buying clothes and shoes that people who are 21 are buying and I didn’t know any better! I would look at these models and watch tv and see what they were wearing and just get that – except with a muscular, curvy body. As a person who loves a boho life and less structure in my clothing than my morning schedule, it is tough to realize your clothes are the biggest obstacle in your life! Now that I know what shapes and types of clothing fit for my body type, I know what to steer clear of in the store. And what sections I should absolutely go to! I know which brands are good and which aren’t great.

It has made my life much easier!

I may not be the most stylish or fashion forward with the trends. But I know what fits my body and what makes it look good. My confidence has increased, and I feel like I’m not hiding anymore. I feel comfortable in my skin and my clothes wherever I go. I don’t feel like I’m not enough or should hide in the corner anymore because of the way I look. Now, I can also only add key pieces to my closet and keep the rest out!

 

So, all of this to say that yes, I will be accepting my body as it is, but also that I will try to make it better and ease the stress I’m putting on the inside of my body. Like the organs and joints and muscles.

I’m going to get my breasts reduced and lifted because it will allow my back pain to ease. It will also allow for exercise to return much quicker and easier. This in itself will bring more confidence to me, but most importantly will allow me to do things I haven’t because of pain associated with the weight. I will have my herniated umbilical fixed so there’s no longer discomfort randomly in my stomach.


I’m eating better and doing things that will help reduce the load and cellulite on my body.

So it can be toned and healthy from filling it with good for me things.

 

The clothes are minor, it’s the other things that will help my body live it’s best for the next 30+ years that are major changes in shape, size, pain level, and health. And the thing we don’t talk about enough, the mental health aspect of life of feeling like you actually belong in your body and can love it. 

 

What are a few things you are working on right now to love you more and more?

A love letter to my Audi..

by ajohnson | Jun 6, 2019 | Blog, Life, Opinion

I know this might be such a weird post, but stay with me.

A love letter to my Audi..

My Audi was my first experience with luxury and something nice. She was my first introduction to quality leather, high end electronics, and amazing customer service from a dealership.

In November of 2015, I made the decision after returning from our honeymoon to French Polynesia, and an unexpected trip less than 24 hours from returning to Arizona to Indiana for a family death, that I wanted to take the plunge and upgrade from my Nissan Murano.

Now, I was pretty attached to that car as well as it was my first car that I actually paid off the entire payment on without being late or having to refinance. But with 2 car seats, it was a bit small.

So I found the Audi and fell in love with the panoramic sunroof that went all the way back (almost) to the 3rd row seats. I then fell in love with the sparkly gray color. Then the sound system and back up cameras. Then came the amazing leather interior that was the right mix of dark and light. And after having all of our family in town for our wedding and needing to take multiple cars to go ANYWHERE I loved the 3rd row seating, even if it was a bit tight.

After having her for 3 years, and 2 growing kiddos, I quickly found out how much easier leather is to clean when milk or food is spilled than with cloth.

Along with that, I discovered that leather gets quite warm in the summer and cold in the winter, so heated seats came in quite handy! But the air conditioning wasn’t quite as strong as I thought it would be. The warm weather package with the window shades and a cooler setting on the A/C did help quite a bit so I’m forever grateful for that!
I also found that gray exterior color to be more forgiving and able to hide dirt better than the silver color I had previously.

When I drove her, all the bumps seemed to just glide under the car without much notice. The wheels y’all! I loved the rims because they looked sporty and classic at the same time. However, the wheels were quite tight with their plumpness (I don’t quite know how to explain it other than that for the cushion it had over the rim) and I found myself hitting every curb and drive thru corner I went through much to Steve’s chagrin.

As much as I talk about her features and the way she took care of us, I’m really undeserving of her.

I didn’t give her the love and kindness she deserved. I let the kids eat and drink inside, and they are kids. So it was quite messy in the back seat most of the time – borderline disgusting. I didn’t always clean the outside when she was dirty or got left out in the rain or dust whenever that would happen very rarely. I mean, she kept Finlee and I safe with no more than a minor concussion and few months of back adjustments when we got into a minor fender bender last year. She kept us safe and got us to Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara just to name a few places where I prolly pushed her too hard and she just did her job.

While there are all of these things, I almost feel guilty not keeping her forever and taking better care of her.

But I know it’s time to let her go bless someone else who’s going to take great care of her in her second chapter of car life. So, while I could keep her and continue to put her through life with an almost 8 year old and almost 4 year old, I know there’s someone out there who will give her more love and attention than us. I know they will fix the broken light and the cut in the sunscreen thing because they won’t leave their keys in the car while the car is running. I know they will be proactive in maintenance and keeping her bright and shiny. And I know they will appreciate a previously well loved family car that still has so much love to give to her new owner.

So, sweet girl, thank you for your 3 years of service to our family. Thank you for showing me what a true luxury car and dealership feels like. Thank you for introducing me to the Penske Family. Because they are true professionals in customer service. Thank you for always keeping us safe no matter how hard I pushed and drove you. Thank you for sharing the first part of your car life with us.

Xo,

AJ