Embracing the Feminine Within

by ajohnson | Mar 31, 2019 | Beauty, Blog, Opinion

Embracing the Feminine Within

I didn’t think I had an ounce of feminine in my body, and honestly fought it for so long.

I also believe this is why I was blessed with two girls instead of a boy and a girl.

Let me explain…

For a really long time, I struggled to relate to the things I would see feminist’s doing on tv. I thought the marches and the sign wearing (I can’t remember the name right now) or protests were a waste of time, and energy.

And honestly, I didn’t and still don’t think its a good expression or way to handle the situation. I’d rather do something about it, in a way that makes a difference.

But I didn’t think I needed to have a community or a support system either…. so it could be that too 🤷🏼‍♀️

Embracing the Feminine Within

I have always been the first to let the tears flow and also the first person to shy and hide when it was time to share emotions or show someone the real me. (My now husband so lovelingly reminded me MANY more times than I can count when we were dating to let him in and trust him.)

I envied those women who had a group of girlfriends to go out with or have lunch dates that I would see while I was sitting all alone pretending to work on my phone. Secretly envious of their laughs, their smiles, and their relationships. I longed for that, and also didn’t long for the ‘drama’ that comes along with girls. (Clearly my mind assumes that everyone, no matter their age, is a petty high school girl.)

Even though I longed to have meaningful relationships with women, I was blocking them everywhere I turned. And my inner girl couldn’t have fought me harder. I would be placed in situations where a very feminine and in touch with herself woman would come into my life. And I would avoid her like the plague. I would make up some excuse as to why I didn’t like her.

But, I would be very drawn to the gay men, and almost a bit jealous of them too.

They had the masculine already and found a way to get in touch on a way I had NO idea that was possible with their femininity. To this day, I have more gay friends than girlfriends. Which I’m still working to receive balance on.

And the Universe works in funny ways… when I was at my lowest moment and needing something to save me, something to get me back in touch with who I am, and ultimately, my feminine, she sent me a daughter.

And what did I do with this blessing?

I was still reckless with my actions. I only found out I was pregnant because I blacked out while playing on a slip and slide with the kids at the day camp I was a counselor at for a summer. Because I blacked out and got a concussion because I didn’t eat enough to keep my blood sugar up..

I decided that because my ‘plan’ wasn’t complete (college graduate, married, own a home, all before the age of 22). And I didn’t feel worthy of having this baby. So, I hid it until I couldn’t any more. I was ashamed with my actions. That the dad wasn’t perfect, that I didn’t feel prepared to be a good mom, that I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to provide for her.

I think I was most terrified because we don’t want to be the same kind of parent we received as a child.
I’ve since realized and learned that our parents felt the same way. And they did the best they could with the knowledge that they had.

And, I wouldn’t change my childhood, it made me the person I am today.

So, I went to many doctors appointment alone. I named her on my own. I was ill. A lot, on my own. I was miserable on my own. Until the last few months, when I told people I was having a baby, and how soon, they were able to support and help me. I have only 1 photo of me with a pregnant belly, and it’s not even fully my belly as I’m trying to hide it as much as possible. Not that I would have allowed it anyways — my self worth at the time was at an all time low and a photo documenting anything would have been out of the question.

The day Leila was born, my whole life changed. She saved me from being lost. She was a perfect baby, so so beautiful. The person I chose to be her father, not her biological father, was a huge support to us. To this day, he is daddy.


Leila pushed me to do things I’d never done before. And gave me reason to want to be a woman, and to connect with other women.
She gave me a will to want to be better, to do better. She helped me find me as a person, and as a woman. And she gave me love when I didn’t know what that felt like. She allowed me to love when I hadn’t ever felt that in my life.

She reminded me to love myself and that it’s ok to be a mom, and to be me, whatever that was at the time.

Leila also allowed me the space to realize I didn’t want to go on through life as a follower or a person who listens to others and follows orders.
She got me out of my shell and reminded my creative, feminine, emotional self to rise to the occasion.

She went to work with me and helped me to learn valuable skills in a position that was all very new to my family. In a space that was recently booming and gaining force when the crash from 2008 was finally hitting the ground running in 2011. We spent more time together and she was a friend that understood and allowed me to be vulnerable. Without this, I don’t know if we would have made it so far. In both work and as people. Looking back, 2011 – 2013 was a period I don’t remember a lot of, other than helping things grow – people, business, and myself.

As I was finding myself, I knew there was more out there for us. So I took a chance and left everything I’d ever known behind. I moved across the country to interview for a company that was a bit larger in size than the previous one. I met my now husband and was thrown into his business, where I played many roles, as small business owners often do, but allowed me to be around many different types of people. People who were all on my path for a reason. People who each taught me something or another. I found myself shutting down the feminine in me.

And wouldn’t you know it, the Universe has a funny way of reminding us not to shrink, instead to shine.

Along came Leila’s sister, Finlee.

Leila is an Aries, and Finlee’s a Taurus. If you know anything about Astrology, these two are very strong willed.
Finlee is beautiful. And very much in balance of the masculine and feminine energies.
She’s not afraid to tell you NO when she isn’t in alignment with something or someone, she will voice her opinion or let you know she needs you at any time. And she loves to dance, color, sing, and be anything and everything all at once.

She’s my reminder that there is a possibility of balance and that it isn’t a bad thing.

Society is so strict and judgmental when they feel you aren’t doing things the way they think you should. And for a long time, I let that rule me.

Not now.

I owe it to myself, first and foremost, my girls, my husband, and my sisters to find that balance. To find that place where we can be feminine and masculine and have what we want in this life.

I and WE owe it to the future women who will come to this planet to own our Feminity and know that what society says that looks like, isn’t the only way for it to look.

It can be messy.

It doesn’t have to make sense.

And it can take time.

It can have YOU infused into it.

Only YOU get to decide what that looks like for you.

Are you with me?

 

xoxo,

AJ

I am M O M

I am M O M

by ajohnson | Mar 28, 2019 | Blog, Motherhood

I am MOM

M O M…. A three-letter word which I avoided owning for a very long time.

 

I didn’t think I was good enough to be a Mom and with some tragedies that happened in my life, I honestly didn’t think I wanted the responsibility. I didn’t think I was deserving of being a Mom when I became one. In fact, I wasn’t married, I wasn’t done with school. My life thus far hadn’t accomplished much to be proud of. And I didn’t think I knew enough to be a Mom to a child. I certainly wasn’t set up financially or stable even myself enough to care for the child. And I didn’t have a relationship with myself. Or one which I could rely on and know who I was when things got tough.

I thought that the most important thing was for me to put myself out there for men to like me. And that would mean I would love myself. When I found that didn’t work, I would go shopping to make myself feel better and ‘connect to me,’ which didn’t work either. I started moving my room around. Rearranging furniture in my house, throwing things away that I no longer needed amongst other things.

 

When I found out I was pregnant with Leila, I found out by accident.

On the second to last day of camp counseling for the summer, I blacked out while running to a slip and slide in the grass. I remember running to the slip and slide, and then things went black. And I remember hitting the ground, and waking up with a really bad headache.

I was driven to the nearby hospital with the Camp Director. And when the nurse told me I needed to get a CAT scan, I needed to take a urine sample because they needed to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I, of course, said there’s no way that’s possible but took the test anyways.

The next part was probably the most embarrassed I had been in my life to that point. The nurse came back into the room I was waiting in, with the MALE Camp Director waiting right outside my room with an open door, and told me that I was pregnant.

I think I went dark again. From embarrassment, from shock, from shame, from disappointment, and probably from the concussion I had.

I remember being wheeled into the room with the CAT scan, with the Camp Director following right behind the bed. And the intern doctor further explaining the reason they have to put a lead cover over me so they don’t hurt the baby.

 

I wanted it to be over and the quicker the better.

I was hoping it was all a bad dream. And that I would wake up and life would go back to normal. I don’t remember how I got home that day. I do remember going straight to bed, and trying to stay in bed for the next 2 days.

 

It might have been the first time I had depression in my life. I’ve never had it, but this is how I imagine it being. I didn’t leave my room, I didn’t eat, I called off work of my Serving/Bartending job. And I didn’t do anything except get more and more anxious and worried about this new situation.

I was about to enter my senior year in college – 2 semesters and I was done. First person in my family to achieve a Bachelor’s Degree and I thought my world was ending. In my mind, I was a huge disappointment, a failure, that my family would disown me, that I didn’t know how I was going to care for this little thing, how I was going to feed it, how I would keep a roof over its head, I was barely paying my bills for me.

I think at one point, I thought that I could wish and think it away. Which worked until the morning sickness settled in and I had a hard time brushing my teeth without feeling sick. I was so tired. I wasn’t waking up for classes. And I was still in denial and trying to figure out the perfect situation and time to tell everyone…. Which didn’t happen until I was almost 6 months along.

 

I went to all of my appointments alone.

I got myself government assistance alone. And I decided on a first name alone. I thought this situation was one I needed to face alone, because I created it and didn’t want to burden anyone else with it. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be the M O M word so I wasn’t going to share with anyone that I was soon to be one.

 

Once I finally let the cat out of the bag, I didn’t have to hide this, and my family didn’t disown me. I did receive support, and I didn’t have to do it alone anymore. It became increasingly difficult as my belly was growing to avoid or convince my mind that this was a dream. It started to become more of a reality and one I’m still not fond of after having a second child.

 

When Leila was born, I think it started to sink in that I was M O M. I was Mom because I nurse her. Because I carried her in my belly for 9 months to the day, because I bonded with her quickly. I had very little patience in settling her if it was the middle of the night, or if I was stressed out, which made me wonder ‘Am I worthy of being a Mom if I can’t deal with my own child?’ I didn’t feel worthy a lot of times when I couldn’t help her or couldn’t figure out what was going on. When she started talking, I don’t think it still settled in because I still didn’t know who I was at the core. I knew that I was Leila’s mom, and that I went to school for my degree, that I worked for X company.

At the end of the day, I didn’t know who Amy WAS.

I didn’t know anything about her. I didn’t know what she liked to read, what her passions were, what she didn’t like, people she called her friends and why, or even why Leila liked her so much.

 

Fast forward to when Leila was 2 ½, I made the decision that we were moving half way across the country to take a job because I was bored and desired change. I thought that Arizona was the key to all of my questions. When we arrived, it was only the two of us and plenty of time for me to discover who I was. Leila was pretty self-sufficient, and I felt like I had a new outlook on life. I started discovering things I was good doing. Things I didn’t like to do, and really enjoyed getting to know who Leila was becoming.

 

I learned to be ok with myself and that I didn’t need someone else there to make me happy. I grew to be happy with my thoughts and what my mind was saying. And I finally knew who Amy was at the core. I then realized that I am worthy of that three-letter word… M O M.

 

I finally believed with all of my heart and mind that I was a good Mom.

And I finally believed that I was capable of being a Mom. I finally realized that Leila came into my life when she did because I really needed her and not that she needed me. I needed her to show me I am capable, I am responsible, I am patient, I am worthy, I am/was ready, and I am deserving. It may have taken 2 ½ to 3 years for me to realize, and I may have missed out on some early memories with Leila because that depression came in, but I am forever grateful to have taken the time to learn.

Now, I get to teach Leila and sister, Finlee, who’s now 2 ½ all about discovering themselves. I get to empower them on their journey through life and someday, hopefully very far away, that they are fully deserving, capable, and worthy of that 3 letter word…. M O M.

 

I am MOM.

Why my Nail Salon Appointments are A Must

Why my Nail Salon Appointments are A Must

by ajohnson | Mar 26, 2019 | Beauty, Blog, Motherhood

Different statement, right? Why I will always schedule my nail salon appointments.

That’s a luxury item, right? Something that makes you feel good, or put together, or always on, right?

But there are people in this world who’ve NEVER had a manicure let alone the amazingness of a pedicure! Simply crazy to me!

I get it though, people’s priorities are different. Here’s why I always will keep my nail salon appointments over many other things.

Why my Nail Salon Appointments are A Must

If I didn’t ever dye my hair or if I chopped it all off, my husband wouldn’t care. He most likely wouldn’t notice unless I went bald.

I know that if I completely changed my wardrobe, he might give me some funny looks. But probably wouldn’t care too much either because he picked me for other reasons.

I don’t do a lot in the kitchen and we hire out a cleaning person because being domestic isn’t my strong suit. I can take a pretty picture, wear a face of makeup well, and can host people at our house like the drop of a hat. And I can help him change his email password and figure out some pretty techie things for not being a techie. I listen and give sage advice when needed most. I ensure our girls are taken care of and sometimes feel as if I’m raising them myself because he travels so much. Our house runs pretty well because I ensure it’s a well oiled machine.

BUT if my nails are growing out, or get chipped, it’s the first thing he notices! And I then hear about needing to go to the nail salon each and every day until it’s done…

I’m glad he does it.

Here’s why.

It gives me a routine and opportunity to take a little time for me when I wouldn’t otherwise take it. Every 2 weeks I get to take 2 hours out of my day and the hecticness that is our life and enjoy someone doing something for me.

This might sound really weird or that Steve is controlling or requiring too much from me but in all honesty, {while I think he likes it and wants me to have my hands looking nice} I think this is a very simple request compared to what a lot of people in relationships experience.

I mean, I decided on a whim that for the first time in our 5 year relationship that I wanted to go blonde. And didn’t need to ask his permission or if he would like it. I also decided on a whim without even talking about it first that I wanted to get my eyebrows micro-bladed for ease in my daily life. He barely noticed either of these things. <– well, he did notice the drastic difference in hair color, but only after a day or so.

Not to mention, I’m deathly terrified of needles and the thought about reliving that experience to write about it just now makes me a bit sick to my stomach and light headed — but TOTALLY worth it!
As long as I’m happy and getting things done, he’s happy. Sometimes though, if I forget to schedule an appointment or if we are traveling, he will gladly remind me that I need to get to the nail salon as soon as we get back because it drives him crazy.

I think this is related to his dislike of chipped paint or scuffed walls in buildings or our home as he does the same thing when he notices that has occurred.

I know, super weird and interesting. But I wouldn’t have him any other way as he has enough going on in his mind already.

So tell me, what weird or unusual ‘requests’ does your’ significant others or spouses ask of you?
xoxo,
AJ

And if you are looking for some fun nail inspo, feel free to check out my Pinterest board all about nails AJ Wanderluxe Nail Files 

First Class Experience with Hawaiian Airlines & Why YOU might consider it for your Next Flight

First Class Experience with Hawaiian Airlines & Why YOU might consider it for your Next Flight

by ajohnson | Mar 12, 2019 | Blog, Travel

First Class Experience with Hawaiian Airlines

Every time we fly to Hawaii as a family, I INSIST we fly with Hawaiian Airlines because they do hospitality right. From the very beginning of the boarding process, you are greeted, no matter which seat you occupy, with the traditional Hawaiian dancing and singing. For me, it creates this experience of relaxation and gives the true definition of “island time” before even leaving the ground. 

This was my 3rd visit to the islands – one previous flight that wasn’t with Hawaiian Airlines – and the experience (at least the flight) was one I don’t remember. 

But the first time we flew with Leila to the islands in 2014, I can tell you exactly where we sat on the plane and how the experience was so incredible even sitting in a coach class seat. Here are a couple of photos from that trip. 

Before we go too much further, I should state that these opinions and review are my personal experience and were not approved or endorsed by Hawaiian Airlines. So what I’m telling you is this was a genuine experience and we paid for our flights and seats just like everyone else on the plane. This review is approved by me otherwise I would tell you differently. 

So this time, Steve and I decided to treat ourselves and check out what those lay flat seats and pods are all about. And, it was just the two of us this trip, and a 6 hour flight is any excuse to give yourself extra comfort, right?! 

And let me tell you, they don’t skimp on the experience in First Class either! 

The first class cabin is set up in a 2-2-2 configuration, so if you are traveling in parties of 2 it works best. There are a total of 18 seats in the first class cabin.

I always struggle with putting my things in the overhead bin, and I think the ones up there are even higher, so I had Steve help me. I usually just put my carry on under the seat, but the pods have a foot rest and a tiny little place to put your bag. There are several pockets, trays, compartments and such to make up (in my opinion) for the loss of the under the seat storage. 

The second we sat down, the flight attendants came around to give us a drink. 

Now, if you’ve never flown First Class (this was only my 2nd time ever) you may be a bit caught off guard that you don’t have to wait to get a drink until reaching 30,000 feet. But most airlines offer a drink complementary to First Class guests prior to the flight even taking off as a way to say thank you for purchasing those seats … I guess … and to make you comfortable while the Main Cabin boards the plane. 

 We had 3 options of drinks – Passionfruit Mango Guava Juice, Mai Tai (which in my opinion there’s none better than the Hawaiian’s make!), or Champagne. The drink package was part of their amenity kit that doesn’t stop at the first offering.  

Steve and I both chose the Juice as we don’t really drink anymore. 

As all of the First Class guests had been served, the Flight Attendants returned with a menu for the 3 course meal we would be served during the flight. 

I took the opportunity to snap a few shots and try out my new 360 degree camera to try to figure it out. – not an easy task … 

Right before we got ready to take off, the Flight Attendants took our breakfast orders and picked up our drinks for take off. 

 

Oh! I forgot to mention that all the glassware, no matter which airline you fly, for first class is always glass. Like real glasses on a plane y’all! I was shocked and felt instantly special when I first saw this, so that’s another reason to fly first class if you can. And also Hawaiian has their logos etched into their glassware, super cool and branded. 

And trying to take a picture of etched glass with liquid in it and empty are equally as hard, so you will have to use your imagination for this one, or go try it out yourself to see IRL 🙂 

Once we got in the air and it was a bit safer for the Flight Attendants to move around, they first brought us a beverage of our choice (again, if you wanted any of the open bar selections as shown in a photo of the back of the menu above, you could get it for the whole flight… for free) and I chose green tea with a bit of coconut milk for the creamer. I don’t know why, but it sounded (and tasted) amazing. 

Along with the beverage, we were given Mauna Loa Macadamia Nuts that were lightly salted, on real plates. Like heavy, good plates. Another reason to fly first class. And the tray table comes up much easier out of the arm rest and has a separate bar for the tv screen. 

Unlike many airlines who offer free or purchasable wifi, Hawaiian Airlines does not offer this service. What they offer is complementary entertainment via these monstrous iPads that are at minimum 15 inches. (Steve thinks they are like 32 inches but I don’t so much agree.. And in the main cabin, these can be purchased for the duration of the flight. 

There are no movies shown on the flight, just the movies, tv shows, and music available on the iPad.  

After finishing our Macadamia Nuts, the main course was brought out. 

A real tray, napkin, individual salt and pepper shakers, real silverware, and again, nice plates presented a croissant, bowl of fruit, a few pieces of sausage, and the egg bake with salsa on it. On the side had butter and a container of jam should you like it. 

During the entire flight, the Flight Attendants were asking if you needed any refills on your drinks or if you would like water. I don’t think there was a time that I needed something that they didn’t already have coming to me. It was very nice and made the experience even more enjoyable. 

I chose to not eat the sausage as I don’t eat that type of meat but everything else was delicious! Steve enjoyed his as well even though he’s not much of a breakfast eater, he ate it all. 

Once we were finished, they brought out my favorite part of the meal. Dessert. 

I know what you’re thinking, dessert with breakfast?! 

It was so good though! And I think I may start making it part of my daily routine to have dessert with breakfast.. 

I’m mostly kidding, mostly. Mostly because I need to find someone who could make me this delicious thing, or something very similar that I could have ever morning. 

And that blanket y’all. The plane is cold! Like most of them, so this was a total lifesaver for the whole flight. I believe a blanket and pillow are pretty standard on long or overnight flights, but don’t quote me on that. When we flew overnight and 8 hours to Tahiti we had a blanket and a pillow too. 

Near the very end of our flight, they brought around these amazing Sweet Onion chips for us along with some water if we wanted it. 

And let me tell y’all about these chips. They are legit the best onion chips I’ve ever tasted! I had them for the first time when we flew to Hawaii with Hawaiian Airlines in 2014 and I couldn’t get enough. As a kid, I used to eat the cheapest of the cheap Sour Cream and Onion Potato chips and then upgraded to the Lay’s/Ruffles Sour Cream and Onion and thought those were like gold. Well, those are NO comparison to these sweet and salty deliciousness. They are super crunchy, almost like a kettle chip but better. 

Now, I’m not gonna lie, I believe the plane, and my breath probably smelled the same from all the onion consumption, but I didn’t care, and Steve liked them, so he didn’t either 🙂 

If you find these in a store, (I’ve seen them at Costco before) do yourself a favor and get them! I believe the make a variety pack, but this is my favorite flavor. They are sold all over the islands and one day, we are going to go tour the plant and soak up the sweet onion goodness! 

 

PS – these aren’t gluten free, so I had to ration myself this time so my body didn’t have a reaction, but it was so worth it! 

About 20 minutes before landing at the Honolulu Airport, the Flight Attendants came around and picked up the iPads and our final drinks and trash.

Once we landed and pulled up to the gate, an announcement was made to let the first class passengers deplane first, so that was comforting knowing that we still got to get off right away as we had a connecting flight to the Big Island and I was ready to stretch my legs and see if we could call the kiddos since we left our house at 3:30 am and they were still snoozing in their beds. 

After catching the shuttle bus outside, we made our way to our next flight, called the girls, and just enjoyed being in Hawaii before our short 45 minute flight that was also with Hawaiian Airlines. 

It was a much smaller plane, and we sat near the back of the plane which wasn’t a big deal since it was so short. Most of these flights don’t offer a premium cabin. It’s simply a plane to get from point A to point B. Many of the inter island flights only serve a small juice container of the Passion Orange Guava juice and not really snacks as the flight is so quick. They do play Hawaiian music on these flights, which continues to get you in the Hawaiian mood.

Because we booked a round trip flight with Hawaiian Airlines, the return flight was also a first class experience. 

Sometimes, if you didn’t book a round trip First Class experience, you can upgrade if available for either leg of your trip. When we travel, we sometimes will try to upgrade for the return leg of the trip so we can relax and extend our vacation so to speak before we hit the ground running again. 

This time, we were First Class the entire way.

I took a few shots of the Kona Airport and from my window seat of the islands from above.  

Our flight back was very much the same as the flight there, except we sat in the very front right of the plane, making it easier for bathroom breaks. 

I watched the new Will Smith movie, Collateral Beauty, and let me tell you, I bawled my eyes out. Probably not the best movie to watch on an airplane, but DANG it’s so good. 

It was one of those that I knew my hubby wouldn’t want to see in theatres even though we love Will Smith – it’s very much a sad but great story. And the other actors/actresses are incredible too! 

Again, there were 4 courses for the meal served, and you had an option of what you wanted. 

We opted for the Passion Guava juice while the Main Cabin was boarding. 

We then received the Mauna Loa Macadamia Nuts with a drink of our choice (I chose green tea again sans milk as they didn’t have any alternative milks this time.) 

Then the first course was a choice of Grilled Mediterranean Chicken, Quinoa Tabbouleh and Tzatziki Salad or Nicoise Salad with Ogo Calamansi Vinaigrette and I chose the Grilled Chicken choice.

Next the main course was a choice of Soy Braised Beef Short Ribs with Bok Choy and Wasabi Mashed Potatoes or Okinawan Sweet Potato, Kabocha, Mushroom, Quinoa and Provolone Cheese Burger. 

Steve chose the Beef Short Ribs and I totally LOVED the Cheese Burger that was filled with veggies and yummy goodness! 

For dessert we each had a Chilled Mini Orange Cream Pie made by the Hawaiian Pie Company and it was just as delicious as it looks! 

Along the way, they kept our drinks filled and offered water if we wanted. 

Because it was a night flight, it was a bit easier for me to lay down and sleep for a bit on this flight unlike the flight to the islands. These lay flat seats inside each pod make it so much better than trying to recline back in the Main Cabin seats on any other flight.

And after watching that tear jerker movie, my eyes were a bit more interested in sleeping than reading a book or working. 

 Sometimes you gotta just roll with it and take a nap when you need it. 

So there you have it! Our entire First Class experience through our lens without actually having to shell out the $$ to try it yourself and going through the airport/security/boarding/etc.  

For a domestic flight that’s over 4 hours, we honestly believe First Class is the only way to go. If we flew into or out of Los Angeles airport, we’d probably need to do so for our sanity! And the lounge access would be needed as well!

Based on our experience, do you think you’d consider a First Class flight with Hawaiian Airlines if you went to the islands? 

 

Leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts.